sexta-feira, 21 de julho de 2017

In the end...

As a teenager I was mostly like all the other people, feeling inadequate, that the world was a confusing place, full of sadness and people with whom I could not connect.



It start with

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
I wasted it all
just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a
memory of a time when


The means to escape from this not so happy place came in three forms: books, writing and music. They are still accompanying me from then, my oldest friends (outside of family).

Whenever I was in a bad place, and the reality was too much for me, each of these kept me sane and alive. The books would whisk me away from this nightmarish world, were people hurt me and nobody cared, to a place where honor, friendship and love were what mattered.


I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


The writing helped me to make sense of all the feelings. As I wrote, the feelings would become words on a paper, that could be observed, and understood, and in some way digested with less impact of the feeling per se. In my case, poetry (or some of form of it), was what I choose to crack the walls of my heart and remove all the festering feelings that could otherwise lead me to darker paths.

Music, however, was in the end what saved me. Either by playing it, or hearing it, it provided solace as no other. It was like a protective wall that surrounded me from the world, hiding me from people.

Playing music, changed me, I created things, things of beauty, which empowered me as somebody that could actually could do something good. Which at that time was a feat...


One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme to remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so [far]
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me [in the end]
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a
memory of a time when


Hearing music provided the friend i never had, telling me stories just like mine, showing me that I was not alone, that everybody goes through this problematic time. That life is not ending, is just beginning and that time, does in fact heal most of the wounds, until they are just scars that are part of us.
It showed to me that I can shape what I am, incorporate what I need and feel is good, and remove what is bad.
I have the power, the will to change what I am, nobody else has that power.

Sometimes people don't consciously know how much the music you heard help you overcome the problems you had. And sometimes people that make the music don't know how many they've helped with their songs...

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
for all this
There's only one thing you should know


I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
for all this
There's only one thing you should know


I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


Yesterday the music world lost one of those that helped a whole generation to survive, and become the adults that they are now... and while normally this would not impact me so highly, this band was one of those that helped me survive, and steer away from darker paths. In my specific case, it's not that I was so highly motivated to hurt myself, it's just that I didn't care enough whether I lived or died.
And sometimes the pain was so much that I actually considered whether it would hurt less, if things would end... And the revolt and the anger that I heard in their music was enough to keep me fighting against the dark that was shattering me...
And sometimes I still get that feeling, and I still go back to their music and the songs that just give enough energy to just put me back again.

In the end we are all the same,

In the end it doesn't even mater...


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