segunda-feira, 24 de julho de 2017

Unexpected...

After all this time I still find weird to have that moment, that automatic empathy with people, that click that happens when you meet someone and, you know that you like her or him. I am not talking about a romantic click (although those happen too), I am talking about knowing that a person is somebody that you will like. For sure. Without any doubt...

I'll sing myself to sleep
A song from the darkest hour
Secrets I can't keep
Inside of the day
Swing from high to deep
Extremes of sweet and sour
Hope that God exists
I hope I pray

There aren't many of these people in my life, some of them I already lost along the way, to different countries, universities or just not enough time... but still there are some that are maintained, some that you just like because, the first time that our eyes met, there was just that smile blossoming in our lips, and the kinship is immediate.

Drawn by the undertow
My life is out of control
I believe this wave will bear my weight
So let it flow

Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy

To someone like me, this type of feeling is not found easily, since meeting new people is not easy or done lightly. But sometimes, even to shy and introverts is difficult to resist to the pull of this kind of chemistry with new people. Sometimes you end up with the most improbable of friends, either a major introvert or someone that is completely obnoxious to everyone except you... 

Now I'm relieved to hear
That you've been to some far out places
It's hard to carry on
When you feel all alone
Now I've swung back down again
It's worse than it was before
If I hadn't seen such riches
I could live with being poor
Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy

Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they're touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me
Love, in fear, in hate, in tears


And its so funny, that I have a knack for finding this people at the most weird and unexpected times. It  gets me always off guard and in places where I would not expect. People that suddenly become special, important, and that you know that they are here to stay, they will be part of you. Even if time or space proves to break you apart... 

Down
Down

Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy

Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy

Down


It still remains a mystery to me why would people enjoy my company and reciprocate this kind of kinship feeling... But alas, I am lucky, and these special people that enter my life in this kind of unexpected way, like me back. And make my life happier because of it.

sexta-feira, 21 de julho de 2017

In the end...

As a teenager I was mostly like all the other people, feeling inadequate, that the world was a confusing place, full of sadness and people with whom I could not connect.



It start with

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
I wasted it all
just to watch you go
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a
memory of a time when


The means to escape from this not so happy place came in three forms: books, writing and music. They are still accompanying me from then, my oldest friends (outside of family).

Whenever I was in a bad place, and the reality was too much for me, each of these kept me sane and alive. The books would whisk me away from this nightmarish world, were people hurt me and nobody cared, to a place where honor, friendship and love were what mattered.


I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


The writing helped me to make sense of all the feelings. As I wrote, the feelings would become words on a paper, that could be observed, and understood, and in some way digested with less impact of the feeling per se. In my case, poetry (or some of form of it), was what I choose to crack the walls of my heart and remove all the festering feelings that could otherwise lead me to darker paths.

Music, however, was in the end what saved me. Either by playing it, or hearing it, it provided solace as no other. It was like a protective wall that surrounded me from the world, hiding me from people.

Playing music, changed me, I created things, things of beauty, which empowered me as somebody that could actually could do something good. Which at that time was a feat...


One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme to remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so [far]
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me [in the end]
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a
memory of a time when


Hearing music provided the friend i never had, telling me stories just like mine, showing me that I was not alone, that everybody goes through this problematic time. That life is not ending, is just beginning and that time, does in fact heal most of the wounds, until they are just scars that are part of us.
It showed to me that I can shape what I am, incorporate what I need and feel is good, and remove what is bad.
I have the power, the will to change what I am, nobody else has that power.

Sometimes people don't consciously know how much the music you heard help you overcome the problems you had. And sometimes people that make the music don't know how many they've helped with their songs...

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
for all this
There's only one thing you should know


I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
for all this
There's only one thing you should know


I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter


Yesterday the music world lost one of those that helped a whole generation to survive, and become the adults that they are now... and while normally this would not impact me so highly, this band was one of those that helped me survive, and steer away from darker paths. In my specific case, it's not that I was so highly motivated to hurt myself, it's just that I didn't care enough whether I lived or died.
And sometimes the pain was so much that I actually considered whether it would hurt less, if things would end... And the revolt and the anger that I heard in their music was enough to keep me fighting against the dark that was shattering me...
And sometimes I still get that feeling, and I still go back to their music and the songs that just give enough energy to just put me back again.

In the end we are all the same,

In the end it doesn't even mater...


quarta-feira, 19 de julho de 2017

Insanity...

You know that the day is not going well when you end up screaming at your computer to stop the mathematica code that is breaking all over the place...
It is quite an irrational feat, to scream to a non sentient being, to stop the command you gave it just 30 seconds ago... However, I am pretty sure I am not alone in this...

Some people will vent their frustration screaming or talking to the monitor in front of them, others will hit the table or the wall (or even the computer) and some will just shut it down and go home...

Whichever of this is the normal one for you, there is still part of your brain that should acknowledge that the computer is only doing what you told it to do...and thus there is no particular reason why you should be screaming, hitting it or something like that. And the truth is that, except for breaking the computer, you will not get any change in it's behaviour, that you wouldn't get by just waiting for the program to crash or finish up running the broken code.

Even funnier is the behaviour that is often observed of: something didn't work properly (say, for example, a piece of code), yet most of the times people will run it again, to get to the same result as before.
I believe there is a definition for this: Insanity - To do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...

I guess then, we humans are in general insane (hmm... well i think that this is true whether the above mentioned quote is right or not), because most of the times, when we know that something is wrong, that it won't work well, we still repeat the same act, without changing anything, and expect that the results will be different this time.
This a testament either to our blindness/stupidity or to our belief that chance, and not a deterministic act was what actually drove the final result... Or maybe a combination of both...

I am no saint in this kind of act, since I have in the past done this kind of, "Ouh, it didn't go well this time, lets try again, and just keep on doing it as I always did" (and actually this blog is a testament of my insanity in this matter).

But sometimes it's a matter of interaction, and the truth is that if there is an interaction in the model, that is significant, then you cannot evaluate each factor by themselves (go and check a statistics book if you don't believe me... although now that I think about it... there is some discord on this interaction term significance stuff actually).

And in truth, scientists do this all the time, testing things more than once to be sure that the result is predictable (i guess that in this case the expectation is not that things will be different, and thus stops being insanity) and repeatable.
But then again, scientists are thought to be crazy people, and that is why I love them... because I would like to be one myself, one day... crazy like that!


terça-feira, 18 de julho de 2017

Bittersweet....

Life is still a sum of so many different things that sometimes I wonder how we can process all the information and don't explode with the inflow of words, images, thoughts, sounds, PEOPLE!

I miss silence, the silence of the white walls at night... The darkness of solitude and of the empty halls in front of me...

What it is that makes you beat, that makes you move,  
transverse time and go towards the unexpected?

With all the noise, sometimes we don't see the strategy behind our moves, we seem to become blind to reason and just keep on going to continue the same type of thought, of move and routine act...

I miss the emptiness of sound, full of its own little noises and to stop and forget the world, to get out of my head and go outside and leave this shell of mine. 

What makes you tick, and tick and explode, like a bomb...
what  is the last ingredient to add the mixture that just takes you over the edge?

And yet people are what makes you move in the end, these incomplete and unreasonable expectations of human interactions that makes you feel so inadequate, so full of happiness. 
Upon a music, a song, a word shattering the silence.
The next expectation of a smile, of an approval, of a shared unknowing secret.

A hug, a kiss, holding me.
The untold and unchain melody that life imposes,
the beat constraining our steps, setting us free.

Full of this bittersweet pain that makes you come back again
                                                                                and again, never changing,     
always holding us back...  




segunda-feira, 17 de julho de 2017

Believe... in me

Bravely I look further than I see
Knowing things I know I cannot be, not now
I'm so aware of where I am, but I don't know where that is
And there's something right in front of me and I

Touch the fingers of my hand
And I wonder if it's me
Holding on and on to Theories of prosperity
Someone who can promise me
I believe in me

I guess that, unknowingly, for the big part of my life
I actually believed in me.
That if I try enough, 
persevere enough, 
work enough,
love enough...
Things will go well
...
Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be
Time has fooled me into thinking it's a part of me
Nothing in this room but empty space
No me, no world, no mind, no face

Touch the fingers of my hand and tell me if it's me
Holding on and on to Love, what else is real
A religion that appeals to me, oh
I believe in me

This is particularly fun because, 
consciously I actually thought thatI couldn't do anything
and did not think much of me...

Can you turn me off for just a second, please
Turn me into something faceless, weightless, mindless, homeless 
Vacuum state of peace

But this  is quite  opposite opinions: 
one one side I am able to do things if I do enough
on the other side, not really...

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me
On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

And by choosing this path that I have chosen,
is clear that I believe in me, 
and in the people that surround me 
that I love so much...
By betting everything in one random play,
expecting that things would go well,
that I would be able to do this,
really shows how much my conflicting views don't make sense,
and which one is the one I really believe in...

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and
As long as you're in front of me then I'll

I watch the fingers of our hands
And I'm grateful that it's me
Holding on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
I believe in me

I'm willing to go on but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything

But from a logic point of view, 
what drove me,
and drives me still is that,
in the end,
we can do anything 
(within the limits of reality)
as long as we strive for it...
I believe in me...
and you...